this was inspired by my experience trying to take a test earlier today (luckily my teacher let me take it in the hall- thanks mr. f! you the best!) and by my general experiences with the AD part of ADHD, which... isn't always super positive, esp when you don't have an epic teacher who lets you take tests outside :(
Contents
Next
"Today is a day for meditation, my sons. A day of recollection and rest- just as important as physical training."
Great, meditation. Mikey's least favourite thing to do.
It wasn't like he didn't appreciate the rest- since they'd first ventured to the surface, it felt like things were always happening. There was always something going on, someone to fight, something to do or worry about. He was grateful for a day to calm down and recenter.
But no matter how many times Splinter tried to teach him meditation, he never seemed to do it as well as his brothers. He just couldn't clear his mind like they could. It had always been a struggle for Mikey. He just couldn't sit still, couldn't keep his brain still.
Nevertheless, he fell into line with his brothers and sat down. Splinter sat facing them, and they closed their eyes.
Splinter took a deep breath, and his sons did too. Deep breath in, let it out slow. Clear your mind.
Mikey could hear his brothers breathing, and could feel the air in his own lungs. The air down here was kind of humid. It was usually drier up above, unless it had been raining. Mikey liked the sound of rain, the soft patter bringing him a sense of peace. When was the next storm supposed to be, anyway? The rainy season was in spring, but it was currently fall, marching closer to winter. Mikey wasn't a big fan of winter- he mostly associated it with brumation, though he and his brothers hadn't brumated last year and probably wouldn't this year. It was easier to stay awake during winter when they didn't have to worry as much about food, or the cold (thanks to Donnie installing a heating system). Mikey was glad he wouldn't have to brumate with Donnie, his tooth gap whistled when he slept and it was distracting.
Distracting! They'd been meditating for just a few minutes and Mikey had already allowed himself to get off-track. Focus, focus, you're not focusing! Just breathe, clear your mind.
Honestly, Donnie's breathing was kinda distracting even when he was awake. Was he breathing really loudly or was he just close? Leo was on Mikey's other side, and he was pretty sure he wasn't breathing as loudly as Donnie. Mikey couldn't hear Raph or Splinter's breaths from here, so maybe Donnie really did just breathe loudly. Though Raph also snored, so maybe it just depended on the situation. Leo could get loud when he talked about Space Heroes. And Mikey was well aware that he could be really loud, often not even realizing until someone told him to keep it down.
Dammit, he'd gotten distracted again! He felt a crease form in his brow. Why couldn't he just focus?
The rug they were sitting on was rough. It scratched against Mikey's right leg as he bounced his knee up and down.
"Mikey, would you please keep still?"
"Sorry, D." He stopped bouncing. He hated distracting his brothers like that. Sure, he liked annoying them, but that was just a little brother thing. He didn't want to actually upset them, and being a distraction during meditation or training was a good way to do that.
He didn't really understand how they managed to stay focused on whatever they wanted. Mikey could only focus on some things, and those things seemed to change all the time.
There were days where he'd be super on-task during training, completely focused and present, and Leo would pat him on the shell and say, "Good focus today, Mikey."
And then other days he'd be too busy thinking about what Raph was doing across the room, or his plans after training, or that TV show he'd been watching, or that snake he found the other day, or-
"Mikey! I told you to stop bouncing your leg, you keep bumping me!"
Mikey opened his eyes to find Donnie glaring at him. He grinned. "Sorry, sorry, I just got a little distracted."
Leo opened his eyes. "Distracted by what? You had your eyes closed, and there's nothing going on."
"You guys were breathing."
"I really don't see how breathing can be a distraction. Everyone breathes, all the time," Raph said.
"Not if you're underwater- unless you're a fish."
"My sons, we are supposed to be meditating. I understand focus can be a challenge for you, Michelangelo, but that is why you must practice. Clear your mind of all thoughts, and regain your focus."
Mikey closed his eyes, and took a deep breath in, and let it out slow. Took a deep breath in, and let it out slow. Took a deep breath in, and let it out slow.
Why was it so much easier for the others? Raph sometimes had trouble focusing, but that was usually because he got over-emotional, and he'd gotten better over time. Leo had mastered meditation at a young age, and Donnie had always had good focus. April and Casey didn't usually meditate with them, but even in battle they weren't as easily distracted as Mikey.
Something burned in his chest. He didn't know what it was. Resentment, maybe? Frustration, that his brothers all seemed to take to this so easily while he floundered? He'd been trying, for years, for his entire life, to be as good as his brothers. And he knew he was good at some things- he was fast, and a skilled fighter, and he could be sneaky if he really needed to be- but he always lost focus, or wandered off, or forgot what they were doing and made too much noise, or distracted his brothers, or-
"Mikey!"
His eyes snapped open. Oh, shoot, he'd started bouncing his knee again! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
"Sorry, D, didn't mean to-"
"You keep apologizing, but you're not changing your behaviour! Just stay still, it's not that hard!"
"Not for you, maybe! I know you're like, the king of focus, or whatever, but I get distracted by everything!"
"Well, if you would just try-"
"Do you think I'm not trying? 'Cuz I am, it's just not working!"
"Michelangelo, Donatello! Both of you, quiet."
Mikey could feel tears pulling at his eyes. He didn't want his family to see him cry over something so stupid. So he stood and left for his own room.
He heard someone move to follow him, but Splinter stopped him. "Continue your meditation. I will check on your brother."
He didn't want Splinter to check on him. He wanted to crawl under his blanket and have a good cry, alone. So, as soon as he reached his room, he locked the door.
He wrapped himself in his blanket, ignoring the soft knock on the door. It was almost funny- wasn't storming off Raph's thing?
"Michelangelo, I understand that you are frustrated. But that is no excuse to take it out on your brothers, or on me. Please unlock your door so we can discuss this."
Mikey knew better than that. This wasn't the first time this, or something similar, had happened- and Mikey knew that as soon as he left his room, Leo would be there to reprimand him. He couldn't hide from it forever, but it'd be nice to try for at least a few hours.
After a few moments of silence, Splinter seemed to get the message.
"Come out when you are ready, my son. We will discuss your behaviour then."
Mikey waited for the footsteps to fade before he let himself cry.
yeahh kind of a downer ending, but it just felt like a good place to stop. if ppl like this enough, i might add a second chapter later down the line ;)